Be kind! to yourself first!

OCD and Self-Criticism

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This blog is inspired by an article that I read a few days back, wherein it was written that, in order to believe in yourself, you first need to like yourself.

Those of us, who are showered with this constant self-doubting, fearing and anxious traits that accompany OCD, it is all the more difficult to like ourselves. One of the simple reasons for this is because ‘we know’- We know what we keep thinking. We know that we are constantly afraid and keep running away from our thoughts and how can we like ourselves like that? How can you believe in yourself, when you know that you can’t even control your own thoughts. For somebody who is continuously creating endless scenarios in their head and can almost see them come true, how can that somebody stand up and carve out a meaningful life with the chain of fears clutching his/her throat.

BUT, what I’ve come to observe is that just by knowing that you are separate from your thoughts is a silver lining. Whenever this OCD anxiety loop triggers in, I am aware of it now- Maybe not immediately but with consistency the self-awareness starts setting in quicker than before. I have gained a little control from spiraling down the anxious black hole. And let me tell you that it is Not Easy. The little courage starts sprouting when you keep reminding yourself every time you realize that you are being pulled down by your OCD. Remind yourself that it is not you, who is a bad person, it is those wrecking thoughts and stop feeling guilty about it. Feeling guilty only make the matters worse. You see, OCD driven thoughts feed on our fears and guilt. Once you start forgiving yourself, it gives you the courage to tell your thoughts to stop. So, you need to be kind.. kind to yourself. Stop bashing yourself for that thought that crossed your mind. When you enter that vicious loop of OCD provoked thoughts and if you can break the chain for even a second and just tell yourself that this is not actually YOU who wants these thoughts to come true, it is not you who is secretly wishing bad for any of your loved ones, it is only then that you can come out of that spiral.

It is almost funny how last night, while taking a walk after dinner & listening to my dance playlist, I entered the OCD thoughts circle and I could tell myself that these thoughts are NOT ME. I am simply walking and enjoying good music right now and these thought are like walls or obstructions in my path and I started swaying myself forward, kicking these walls down [ I just hope nobody saw me actually lifting a leg to push some imaginary walls 🙂 ] For some reason, I believe that these thoughts would never really go away completely. They are deep rooted in my system and existence, BUT, I can always make an effort to live (in spite of their presence). I can always make an effort to remind myself that I am not defined by these thoughts, taking away their severity piece by piece, till they loose their interest in me 😛

I would urge anyone who is reading this post and if going through something like this (even remotely similar) to practice telling yourself that you are not defined by your thoughts, for it is usually the most innocent hearts that get hit by these fears the most. It is us, who love the most are afraid to loose the worst. You are good, you are brave and you can heal yourself.

Be kind to yourself and then only can you be truly kind to others.

Strength and love to all.

Perils of living with OCD when something goes wrong..

The problem is not to fight a bad situation, the real problems is what your OCD does after that situation. In the dire struggle to not let that moment come again or not make the same mistake, the fear, the guilt fuels your OCD to another level.

I start doing stupid things on a repetitive mode in order to avoid the curse of going through a mishap again. There is some paranoid fear that I don’t do a task in a certain way (The way It’s not supposed to be done), the universe will punish me, I will face the same problem again, if I somehow don’t put myself through the mental ordeal, I will have to face the pain again.

Taking or drinking a glass of water becomes a challenge, forget about enjoying a meal or taking a walk to calm your nerves. I read about it and it is called ‘Harm OCD’ , the fear is of harming others because of my action. I am super fearful . I walk in and out of a doorway multiple times to push away the thought that instantly came to my mind while entering the room that if I don’t enter the room again, something (it’s too difficult for me to state what) bad might occur. And so goes switching the light bulb or not eating a chocolate (which I really want to eat at that moment) because it will give me satisfaction. The idea behind it probably is that if I already punish myself or I am already troubled, the bad things would not happen because I am already facing them. This is just a justification I can come up with to do all those things. I don’t know the source of all this or why it started.

I can not share this with anyone or the struggles I go through because of obvious reasons. I don’t want the people near me to think that I’m crazy or something. Right now, when they catch hold of me doing some stupid tasks, I don’t have to justify myself, I just stop doing that as soon as anybody sees. But if they know that there is some serious problem they will start noticing everything i do. I would be crushed between my OCD compulsions to do a task and the social stigma of people noticing that.

Things are not always bad, when I am at a new place or with new people, my mind is distracted since it is already processing some new information and is not able to put the negative thoughts in my mind at a great frequency. That is why I like to keep myself busy and go out. Alcohol helps too. Though it is very rare that I consume it, since I only get to enjoy it when I go out my friends. It calms my senses, I am able to live some moments freely without my mind forcing me to torture myself. But I know it is not the solution.

The work keeps me busy, but the thoughts return when I am partially unoccupied or I get familiar to a place, for the OCD to comfortably lay its traps again. At times I make up my mind to not give in to the situation and not look stupid in my own eyes. I do not give in to the urges and know that this is not practical and I will not evade anything by opening the tap of water again and again. Usually it is easier to cope when you are happy. BUT anything more happy than a normal life, like anything good happens, an achievement or something and the OCD takes an altogether different mode to make me perform tasks in order to not loose that good thing or not spoil it. 😦

I don’t know what to do.. will it ever go away.. will I ever be strong enough to put a stop to these fears or be confident enough. People say I am weak at heart but I think living in the constant fear makes you weak. I put up a strong, confident personality to the world but deep down i know the lies that I am living.

Life as it is……….

Past days have been a roller coaster ride! I have felt the utmost pain and extreme joy… Crazy right?

But life’s like that pals, ‘you think you will not survive but then you do!’

Read the quote somewhere and loved it. I have been on the brink to give up on the most precious relationships of life and at the same time taken hundred blows to save it. It’s funny how oxymoron it sounds.

But these ups and downs of life teach you one thing for sure.. “YOU ARE TAKING LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY” and it’s high time you stop doing that.

Let me first tell you a little about myself, I am an OCD impacted person (Yes! I’ve read Psychology and know what that stands for peeps) and a major Over-thinker. Which means, that I create stuff in my imagination(which is most likely to happen) and recall all possibilities of it happening in different scenarios, good and bad (mostly bad). Over-thinkers are a puppet at the hands of their minds and its vicious puns. However, stopping that from happening is also absolutely in the individuals hands at one go. probably you can stop that from happening for like only five minutes but the solution is not that.

I’ve been planning to read the book ‘The Subtle art of not giving a F*ck’. probably it will help me to not worry about stupid events to which i give importance. Have you ever wondered” what if I was not in the body that I am and probably have been seeing the World from a different body.. what would have I thought of me(the present me)… Would have life been any simpler or more harsh that way. Does the person seeing me right now thinking the same thing?” such questions amuse me, but with these thoughts, I feel the motivation to put out the best of myself out there, and to not give any more importance to things/people/activities than required.

I’m sure there is a platform out there which unites people like me, who are searching for their purpose, the reason of their presence in this world and how to put hte time to best use..

Aaj Fir Dil..

Aaj fir dil udaas sa ho chalaa hai,

Aek khoyi hui fariyaad sa kar chalaa hai.

Koi Aagaaz hai ye anjaam ka, ya fir ek sailaab sa ho chalaa hai.

Un uthti si nazro se mujhe door le chalo,

Un sulagti si yaado se mujhe door le chalo,

Ab aur berukhi sahi na jayegi,

Ab aur imtehaan na de paenge

Ke in sawalon se mujhe door le chalo.

Kyu har kadam se main salaam du,

Kyu har awaaz ko main paigaam du,

Khudki bandisho se hi itni pareshaan hu,

Ke kisi aur ko kya ilzaam du.

Itni bebas aur itni azaad,

Iss zalzale ko kya naam du…

Cheekh padti hai khamoshiyaan,

Daud padte hai ye khwaab,

Aur main wahi khadi rehjati hu..

Apni parchaaiyon ke sath..

The trapped warrior!

Yet another message erased without sending, yet another pain I gulp,

for I know its better to stay silent than bring the usurp

How bad I miss the friend I had, always there to talk,

now the mister watches every move, to point the nasty fault.

What I have right now is way too precious to loose!

but I know for sure that you won’t approve.

You used to be on my side, fencing the evil abide,

now the same person allies with the other to take the revengeful hide

No big words, no story to tell

for there is a volcano inside me and I cant yell!

In search for a friend, to pour my heart out

I wander here n there among the crowd

And yet when the phone flashes a dim light,

I hopefully look for your message to arrive!

For so long now I have been dismayed,

the lights tell me that I have been played

Please bring me the time machine

Or else ill loose my serine

Clinging by every hope I find 

The trapped warrior lurks behind.