Perils of living with OCD when something goes wrong..

The problem is not to fight a bad situation, the real problems is what your OCD does after that situation. In the dire struggle to not let that moment come again or not make the same mistake, the fear, the guilt fuels your OCD to another level.

I start doing stupid things on a repetitive mode in order to avoid the curse of going through a mishap again. There is some paranoid fear that I don’t do a task in a certain way (The way It’s not supposed to be done), the universe will punish me, I will face the same problem again, if I somehow don’t put myself through the mental ordeal, I will have to face the pain again.

Taking or drinking a glass of water becomes a challenge, forget about enjoying a meal or taking a walk to calm your nerves. I read about it and it is called ‘Harm OCD’ , the fear is of harming others because of my action. I am super fearful . I walk in and out of a doorway multiple times to push away the thought that instantly came to my mind while entering the room that if I don’t enter the room again, something (it’s too difficult for me to state what) bad might occur. And so goes switching the light bulb or not eating a chocolate (which I really want to eat at that moment) because it will give me satisfaction. The idea behind it probably is that if I already punish myself or I am already troubled, the bad things would not happen because I am already facing them. This is just a justification I can come up with to do all those things. I don’t know the source of all this or why it started.

I can not share this with anyone or the struggles I go through because of obvious reasons. I don’t want the people near me to think that I’m crazy or something. Right now, when they catch hold of me doing some stupid tasks, I don’t have to justify myself, I just stop doing that as soon as anybody sees. But if they know that there is some serious problem they will start noticing everything i do. I would be crushed between my OCD compulsions to do a task and the social stigma of people noticing that.

Things are not always bad, when I am at a new place or with new people, my mind is distracted since it is already processing some new information and is not able to put the negative thoughts in my mind at a great frequency. That is why I like to keep myself busy and go out. Alcohol helps too. Though it is very rare that I consume it, since I only get to enjoy it when I go out my friends. It calms my senses, I am able to live some moments freely without my mind forcing me to torture myself. But I know it is not the solution.

The work keeps me busy, but the thoughts return when I am partially unoccupied or I get familiar to a place, for the OCD to comfortably lay its traps again. At times I make up my mind to not give in to the situation and not look stupid in my own eyes. I do not give in to the urges and know that this is not practical and I will not evade anything by opening the tap of water again and again. Usually it is easier to cope when you are happy. BUT anything more happy than a normal life, like anything good happens, an achievement or something and the OCD takes an altogether different mode to make me perform tasks in order to not loose that good thing or not spoil it. 😦

I don’t know what to do.. will it ever go away.. will I ever be strong enough to put a stop to these fears or be confident enough. People say I am weak at heart but I think living in the constant fear makes you weak. I put up a strong, confident personality to the world but deep down i know the lies that I am living.

13 thoughts on “Perils of living with OCD when something goes wrong..

  1. Your article resonated to the highest degree with me as I, myself have been suffering from OCD for 15 years now. Writing about it helps so much. I do it, I write about self-care, self-care, how to keep yourself happy and how to deal with discouragement and posts them for helping people like me.😊

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Great article – thank you very much for sharing. And I can totally relate – I have been suffering from OCD for a very long time and it can really make one’s life a living hell. But it does help a lot to talk about our feelings and to share our experiences and I am sure that your post will help a lot of people like me.

    Reblogging this article!

    Blessings

    Mark

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Please stop calling your needs stupid. It’s what you know. Right now.
    You’re not stupid, nothing you do is stupid.
    You are tenacious and I admire your fortitude.
    I battle everyday. But it’s better. I did some work and it worked. But, there is nothing about you that is stupid. You are going to be ok. Everyday you are ok. May not be all day everyday, but everyday you are ok.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Srish, I couldn’t stop but to admire your voice as a writer. You are such an influential writer. I realized that we (with mental illness) are people with deep emotions that when we write our feelings and thoughts, this produces a beautiful piece of art. I am so stunned at your craft. Keep writing and inspiring people. We all have brilliant minds, no matter how wild it can get sometimes. I just cried the sh*t out of me 10minutes ago. And there times like these in life but anyway, I’m encouraging you to keep writing! Thank you for sharing so beautifully!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your encouragement and support Nemalin ❣️
      Yes.. we need to keep going inspite of our ordeals..
      You are doing a great job too by helping us open up about our struggles..
      Thank you again 😊

      Liked by 1 person

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