Perils of living with OCD when something goes wrong..

The problem is not to fight a bad situation, the real problems is what your OCD does after that situation. In the dire struggle to not let that moment come again or not make the same mistake, the fear, the guilt fuels your OCD to another level.

I start doing stupid things on a repetitive mode in order to avoid the curse of going through a mishap again. There is some paranoid fear that I don’t do a task in a certain way (The way It’s not supposed to be done), the universe will punish me, I will face the same problem again, if I somehow don’t put myself through the mental ordeal, I will have to face the pain again.

Taking or drinking a glass of water becomes a challenge, forget about enjoying a meal or taking a walk to calm your nerves. I read about it and it is called ‘Harm OCD’ , the fear is of harming others because of my action. I am super fearful . I walk in and out of a doorway multiple times to push away the thought that instantly came to my mind while entering the room that if I don’t enter the room again, something (it’s too difficult for me to state what) bad might occur. And so goes switching the light bulb or not eating a chocolate (which I really want to eat at that moment) because it will give me satisfaction. The idea behind it probably is that if I already punish myself or I am already troubled, the bad things would not happen because I am already facing them. This is just a justification I can come up with to do all those things. I don’t know the source of all this or why it started.

I can not share this with anyone or the struggles I go through because of obvious reasons. I don’t want the people near me to think that I’m crazy or something. Right now, when they catch hold of me doing some stupid tasks, I don’t have to justify myself, I just stop doing that as soon as anybody sees. But if they know that there is some serious problem they will start noticing everything i do. I would be crushed between my OCD compulsions to do a task and the social stigma of people noticing that.

Things are not always bad, when I am at a new place or with new people, my mind is distracted since it is already processing some new information and is not able to put the negative thoughts in my mind at a great frequency. That is why I like to keep myself busy and go out. Alcohol helps too. Though it is very rare that I consume it, since I only get to enjoy it when I go out my friends. It calms my senses, I am able to live some moments freely without my mind forcing me to torture myself. But I know it is not the solution.

The work keeps me busy, but the thoughts return when I am partially unoccupied or I get familiar to a place, for the OCD to comfortably lay its traps again. At times I make up my mind to not give in to the situation and not look stupid in my own eyes. I do not give in to the urges and know that this is not practical and I will not evade anything by opening the tap of water again and again. Usually it is easier to cope when you are happy. BUT anything more happy than a normal life, like anything good happens, an achievement or something and the OCD takes an altogether different mode to make me perform tasks in order to not loose that good thing or not spoil it. 😦

I don’t know what to do.. will it ever go away.. will I ever be strong enough to put a stop to these fears or be confident enough. People say I am weak at heart but I think living in the constant fear makes you weak. I put up a strong, confident personality to the world but deep down i know the lies that I am living.